Who am I? What am I? Isn't it obvious? I have a penis.

While you were laughing/crying with/at Zarf on All My Children, I was...going out with Kate and drinking with our new Bulgarian friends. One of them was very impressed that I guessed his cologne (Aqua). I was very impressed he didn't vomit on my shirt, so much as near my shirt. That actually didn't happen at all. I just thought it would be a good joke. It wasn't. Fuck it, here's some shit for your shitty, shitty lives.

Nice to wake up to
This is for Lindsey, cause that girl loves herself some Jakey G. This too.


CHEMICALS IN THE DC RIVER TURN YOU INTO A MAN HATING GAY QUEER FEMINIST TRANNY!!!!!!!!!
This explains so much about my life. Except that I’m not from DC and have never even been in that river…oh well, back to the drawing board.
Has someone YOU know been ah-splish ah-splashing in the tranny water?


Little Countries’ news is so cute!
All right NZ, that’s really great and all, and I am considering your great land as a place to study abroad, but seriously. We’re a real country over here…maybe you’ve heard of us? A little place called USA USA USA #1? Sound familiar? Anyway, we have REAL news. You could learn thing or two from us—like about NASCAR.


Wild lady running around eating rice
Ok, so I’ve let you in on some of my interests, such as The Girls Next Door and All Blacks, but here’s a third—people raised in the forest, specifically wolf children. Now this story isn’t as good, because this lady was not raised by wolves, but it is pretty awesome. But then I got to thinking…this might just be totally fucked up, and I mean more than it already is. I’m going to put on my detective's cap and figure this one out. They said the woman they found was half-human and half animal, skin and bones, walking all fucked up, stealing bits of rice, and couldn’t speak any intelligible language. Clearly this is either Kate Bosworth or Paula Abdul. Which one, I’m not sure—this is as far as my detective’s cap takes me (It’s a pretty small hat.).


Paris’s Wonky eye
We’ve all seen Courtney’s ID picture, and she turned out fine. First of all, I think Paris has got a lot bigger problems than a fucked up eye, specifically her hair, her entire wardrobe, her personality, and her existence in the universe. Second of all…well I guess that’s about it.


What happens when you type "gay soccer" into Youtube
Or: Further proof Josh Stephens is a raging homo
I live next door to four members of the boldest and the bravest, Wesleyan’s soccer team. Obviously I love the soccer team, because they’re really good and (almost) all of them are incredibly cute. But I always suspected there was something a little gay about Wesleyan’s finest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—except that it keeps them from hooking up with me (and that is the ONLY explanation I can come up with). Anyway, I’ve been having these suspicions for a while--it might have been after some late night conversations with Josh Stephens, or maybe after watching Chris Brown and Morgan Owen “wrestle.” On that note, here’s something really special.
PS Josh gave me permission to post this deep dark secret.
PPS Actually he's not gay, he told me so, and ladies, he's single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PPS I'm going to stop now before he physically abuses me when I get back to school. LOVE YOU JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


THIS JUST CRAWLED INTO MY BRAIN AND BLEW MY FUCKING MIND