I'm sorry, I cannot possibly begin to care about the title of this post.
Apparently neither can anyone else.
Iguana’s penis removed
Penis amputated after suffering w/ a week long erection.
The jokes just write themselves—but they're working overtime and I don't know which to pick. This is definitely an am I right girls, am I right, situation. But here we encounter a crossroads:
a)There are plenty of guys I know who might service the Wesleyan population best if they had a similar operation, am I right girls, am I right?
b)Week long erection? If only some of the guys I know had that problem, am I right girls, am I right?
Point being, clearly this lizard was getting more action than I was last week, and in no way is that depressing. Oh wait. Yes, yes it is.
Why I'm glad my parents never got a camcorder.
Omgzz this is so painful/hilarious
The biggest waves I’ve ever seen
I don’t have anything else to say. This shit is insane.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Daily Dose of Sick Nasty
Some say wings never get it. That's not true. They do. But then they get tackled and someone else makes the try.
"Maybe you should get a nose job."
While you were totes lovin Maui Fever, I was...also totes loving Maui Fever.
The Archduke pimp from the 18th century
Lindsey and I used to play MASH in 7th grade (read: 12th grade), and for Wedding Dress we’d always make one of the choices “thong and a cape.” I don’t think I ever specified, but I imagined the cape being leopard print, and that’s why I’m so glad that the 18th century pimp read my mind and made this video. It has everything I love--the aforementioned cape, asses, and far away eras.
How to clean a sponge (to the tune of that song from Grey’s anatomy)
Over here at 344 “silent animosity house,” our sponges start to smell like an amusing blend of old milk and mold after about two weeks. On that note, here’s how you can make your sponges not carry so many nasty e. coli diseases.
Attention Wesleyan Guys:
Sometimes we girls get tired of the same old ways guys try to talk to us. I mean come up with something original, am I right girls, am I right? Yes, you can get me a beer, no I do not want to see what a senior dorm room looks like. Ok, I do, and we know that. Bad example. But what I mean is, guys need to start coming up with better ways to get girls. They seem to be at a loss for how to seduce the fine women of Wesleyan…UNTIL NOW.
Reasons that Jeremy Piven is NOT, despite what you might think, turning into Ari Gold
1. Ari Gold is strangely attractive, whereas after seeing Jeremy Piven play Pilot-George on Seinfeld, I’m mildly repulsed by the idea of him.
2. Ari Gold is a fucking G. Jeremy Piven is not.
3. Ari Gold is fucking fabulous and would never be caught dead dressed like this.
Jamie Foxx, I hate you.
Shit like this just makes me mad. Like, OK, for example—when I go to the campus center, and I’m like “can I have a burrito with chicken, beans, and rice, but NO CHEESE,” they give me this look like bitch why don’t you like cheese, when really I’m actually making their lives easier by erasing the difficult and exhausting task of cheesing a burrito. But when Jamie Foxx requests special vodka at his concerts so he can pour it on the ladies in the crowd—which I’m sure they love, because who doesn’t want to have a man who is obsessed with himself pour alcohol on them, especially one with such a lovely rubbing alcohol aroma–everyone just thinks that’s great because Jamie is the man. What the fuck. I want to be the man. Note: I said the man, not a man.
The Archduke pimp from the 18th century
Lindsey and I used to play MASH in 7th grade (read: 12th grade), and for Wedding Dress we’d always make one of the choices “thong and a cape.” I don’t think I ever specified, but I imagined the cape being leopard print, and that’s why I’m so glad that the 18th century pimp read my mind and made this video. It has everything I love--the aforementioned cape, asses, and far away eras.
How to clean a sponge (to the tune of that song from Grey’s anatomy)
Over here at 344 “silent animosity house,” our sponges start to smell like an amusing blend of old milk and mold after about two weeks. On that note, here’s how you can make your sponges not carry so many nasty e. coli diseases.
Attention Wesleyan Guys:
Sometimes we girls get tired of the same old ways guys try to talk to us. I mean come up with something original, am I right girls, am I right? Yes, you can get me a beer, no I do not want to see what a senior dorm room looks like. Ok, I do, and we know that. Bad example. But what I mean is, guys need to start coming up with better ways to get girls. They seem to be at a loss for how to seduce the fine women of Wesleyan…UNTIL NOW.
Reasons that Jeremy Piven is NOT, despite what you might think, turning into Ari Gold
1. Ari Gold is strangely attractive, whereas after seeing Jeremy Piven play Pilot-George on Seinfeld, I’m mildly repulsed by the idea of him.
2. Ari Gold is a fucking G. Jeremy Piven is not.
3. Ari Gold is fucking fabulous and would never be caught dead dressed like this.
Jamie Foxx, I hate you.
Shit like this just makes me mad. Like, OK, for example—when I go to the campus center, and I’m like “can I have a burrito with chicken, beans, and rice, but NO CHEESE,” they give me this look like bitch why don’t you like cheese, when really I’m actually making their lives easier by erasing the difficult and exhausting task of cheesing a burrito. But when Jamie Foxx requests special vodka at his concerts so he can pour it on the ladies in the crowd—which I’m sure they love, because who doesn’t want to have a man who is obsessed with himself pour alcohol on them, especially one with such a lovely rubbing alcohol aroma–everyone just thinks that’s great because Jamie is the man. What the fuck. I want to be the man. Note: I said the man, not a man.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Daily Dose of Sick Nasty
Speaking of the Girls Next Door, I just remembered another thing I haven't posted in a while--the haka, or, as rugby historians call it, mothafuckin All Blacks doin the mothafuckin haka (points to you, America The Book).
"There are five drives."
While you were unpacking and moving in/movin on up, I was trying to drive Liana's car, and partaking in the greatest Wesleyan tradition of all, known by scholars as Drunkizie Mochizie. All fun and games until people start throwing ketchup.
Who are you?
So I realized I haven't posted anything about the Girls Next Door in a few days, which is entirely too long to go without them. Now you can find out which one you're the most like (Fuck yeah I got Kendra), or, for the guys/girls who like girls, which one you would "bed."
Dina, Dina, Dina, you tragic mess....JK'zzzzz love ya!!!!!!
Dina Lohan is probably my favorite celebrity mom, next to Tina Simpson. Whether she’s getting her sex-type-thing on under the table at a fancy restaurant or not being her daughter’s keeper, she is a wild ride, and you know I love me some crazies. Also that hair is just too much.
This is so upsetting
Tara Reid is copping my look. TARA FUCKING REID. I need to get a new style ASAP when that bitch is rocking a shirt as a dress, tights, and boots. Life is so difficult. And yes, I did invent this style. Kate Moss, Twiggy, fuck that.
This is also upsetting
Prada. Cellphone. What the fuck. First of all, this is so ridiculously stupid. And yes, I do own Uggs and a variety of other lovely name brand items. I'm not knocking labels, I love labels. Especially when they can be applied to people I don't really know for no real reason. I just don’t understand why Prada, of all expensive cell phones. How does being good at making fine leather goods imply being good at making phones? I guess that’s not really the point, though.
Some National Anthems
What’s outside America? A lot, apparently. What do they have to be proud of? I’m not really sure, but they do sing those anthems with pride.
Indian National Anthem
Swedish National Anthem
North Korea National Anthem
Italian National Anthem
Czech Republic National Anthem
Norway's National Anthem
Who are you?
So I realized I haven't posted anything about the Girls Next Door in a few days, which is entirely too long to go without them. Now you can find out which one you're the most like (Fuck yeah I got Kendra), or, for the guys/girls who like girls, which one you would "bed."
Dina, Dina, Dina, you tragic mess....JK'zzzzz love ya!!!!!!
Dina Lohan is probably my favorite celebrity mom, next to Tina Simpson. Whether she’s getting her sex-type-thing on under the table at a fancy restaurant or not being her daughter’s keeper, she is a wild ride, and you know I love me some crazies. Also that hair is just too much.
This is so upsetting
Tara Reid is copping my look. TARA FUCKING REID. I need to get a new style ASAP when that bitch is rocking a shirt as a dress, tights, and boots. Life is so difficult. And yes, I did invent this style. Kate Moss, Twiggy, fuck that.
This is also upsetting
Prada. Cellphone. What the fuck. First of all, this is so ridiculously stupid. And yes, I do own Uggs and a variety of other lovely name brand items. I'm not knocking labels, I love labels. Especially when they can be applied to people I don't really know for no real reason. I just don’t understand why Prada, of all expensive cell phones. How does being good at making fine leather goods imply being good at making phones? I guess that’s not really the point, though.
Some National Anthems
What’s outside America? A lot, apparently. What do they have to be proud of? I’m not really sure, but they do sing those anthems with pride.
Indian National Anthem
Swedish National Anthem
North Korea National Anthem
Italian National Anthem
Czech Republic National Anthem
Norway's National Anthem
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Daily Dose of Sick Nasty
All Black backs in the back do it again.
Moments in rugby history: Ben Franklin once said to a lady friend (eyyyyyy), "my dear, if I wasn't so fat and comfortable lying on this couch, I would play rugby. And by the way, I just soiled myself." Actually, Ben Franklin seems like a pretty perfect rugby player, what with the loving to booze around and...well, I guess that's about it.
Moments in rugby history: Ben Franklin once said to a lady friend (eyyyyyy), "my dear, if I wasn't so fat and comfortable lying on this couch, I would play rugby. And by the way, I just soiled myself." Actually, Ben Franklin seems like a pretty perfect rugby player, what with the loving to booze around and...well, I guess that's about it.
“Where Chili Pepper lights meets Christmas tree lights.”
While you were out at BYOB Indian down town playing Never Have I Ever until they had to physically remove you, I was…oh wait…that was me. Anyway, today is a slow news day apparently (clearly I use the word “news” quite loosely).
Lady Sovereign is going on tour w/ Gwen Stefani
This should be so cool, I’m so excited! Well, now that I think about, there is no way I will end up going to this a)because I’m in school in the middle of nowhere, CT, and b)because I’m lazy and would never coordinate getting myself to this. But it looks fun.
Nick Lachey to get married to Vanessa Millanesemayomilan in Mexico
Why there? Because they fell in love in Mexico. Kids, you’re young, or at least Vanessa is. If anyone knows, I know that sometimes you can mistake feelings of excitement for love, especially when you’re in spring break in Cabo and some guy from U Texas promises you the world, or at least some of the all inclusive drinks “on him,” which still doesn’t make sense. Good times. Anyway, point being, just be sure by “I want to love you forever” (OOOOOOOH JESSICAAAAAAAAA) you don’t mean “I want to do you in the hotel pool.” Because that would be a wacky mix up!!!!!
Nerds are HILARIOUS.
Guy measures how big the land mass in World Of Warcraft would be in real life. I said would be, because IT ISN’T REAL. If the idea of someone actually taking the time to do this wasn’t so deeply saddening, It would be funny. Wait, I take that back. It is hilarious.
Why not dress like a Grandma?
There can be no proper introduction for this.
Lady Sovereign is going on tour w/ Gwen Stefani
This should be so cool, I’m so excited! Well, now that I think about, there is no way I will end up going to this a)because I’m in school in the middle of nowhere, CT, and b)because I’m lazy and would never coordinate getting myself to this. But it looks fun.
Nick Lachey to get married to Vanessa Millanesemayomilan in Mexico
Why there? Because they fell in love in Mexico. Kids, you’re young, or at least Vanessa is. If anyone knows, I know that sometimes you can mistake feelings of excitement for love, especially when you’re in spring break in Cabo and some guy from U Texas promises you the world, or at least some of the all inclusive drinks “on him,” which still doesn’t make sense. Good times. Anyway, point being, just be sure by “I want to love you forever” (OOOOOOOH JESSICAAAAAAAAA) you don’t mean “I want to do you in the hotel pool.” Because that would be a wacky mix up!!!!!
Nerds are HILARIOUS.
Guy measures how big the land mass in World Of Warcraft would be in real life. I said would be, because IT ISN’T REAL. If the idea of someone actually taking the time to do this wasn’t so deeply saddening, It would be funny. Wait, I take that back. It is hilarious.
Why not dress like a Grandma?
There can be no proper introduction for this.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
There's something about a little dog. You can't say no.
While you were freaking out that the creepy pod known as Romance on I Love New York is so lifelike yet so incredibly disturbing, I was getting a haircut, watching I Love New York, and eating Katha's Christmas Balls, delicious cookies I'm bringing back up to Wesleyan that I made with my mom. And also finding stuff to post here. Obviously.
Who are you again?
Ryan Seacrest is all pissed that Angelina Jolie snubbed him at the Goldie G’s. He’s all “boo freakedy hoo Angelina didn’t talk to me on the red carpet,” and she's all, "I'm sorry who are you again? Because I'm Angelina fucking Jolie, you worthless waste of Jergens Sunless Tanner." Seriously, who are you, Ryan Seacrest? You are a pathetic groveler whose idea of gossip is LITERALLY talking about the weather. Angelina is a talented movie star who has more important things to do than answer moronic questions about what she feeds her kids for breakfast. Like do Brad Pitt in a bathroom and then suck his blood while Jennifer Aniston mixes vodka with Special K to numb the pain and then makes a voodoo dolly of Angelina’s perfect perfect fucking face (for example).
The dot and the line: A romance in lower mathematics
Or: how I learned to stop worrying and love being a complete nerd who sees
all of her failed relationships in mathematical metaphors.
Seriously, even if you don’t like math, which would be totally fucked up
and make you obviously stupid, this Oscar winning short is incredibly
sweet. Plus, are you really doing anything? Really?
I knew if I typed “gay dance” into youtube I’d find something delightful.
The guy in the white shorts is so great, and he even represents Rocafella records a bit. If Damon Dash didn’t hate gay people he might be proud. I actually have no idea if that’s true. I'm sorry. About a lot of things.
Who are you again?
Ryan Seacrest is all pissed that Angelina Jolie snubbed him at the Goldie G’s. He’s all “boo freakedy hoo Angelina didn’t talk to me on the red carpet,” and she's all, "I'm sorry who are you again? Because I'm Angelina fucking Jolie, you worthless waste of Jergens Sunless Tanner." Seriously, who are you, Ryan Seacrest? You are a pathetic groveler whose idea of gossip is LITERALLY talking about the weather. Angelina is a talented movie star who has more important things to do than answer moronic questions about what she feeds her kids for breakfast. Like do Brad Pitt in a bathroom and then suck his blood while Jennifer Aniston mixes vodka with Special K to numb the pain and then makes a voodoo dolly of Angelina’s perfect perfect fucking face (for example).
The dot and the line: A romance in lower mathematics
Or: how I learned to stop worrying and love being a complete nerd who sees
all of her failed relationships in mathematical metaphors.
Seriously, even if you don’t like math, which would be totally fucked up
and make you obviously stupid, this Oscar winning short is incredibly
sweet. Plus, are you really doing anything? Really?
I knew if I typed “gay dance” into youtube I’d find something delightful.
The guy in the white shorts is so great, and he even represents Rocafella records a bit. If Damon Dash didn’t hate gay people he might be proud. I actually have no idea if that’s true. I'm sorry. About a lot of things.
Who am I? What am I? Isn't it obvious? I have a penis.
While you were laughing/crying with/at Zarf on All My Children, I was...going out with Kate and drinking with our new Bulgarian friends. One of them was very impressed that I guessed his cologne (Aqua). I was very impressed he didn't vomit on my shirt, so much as near my shirt. That actually didn't happen at all. I just thought it would be a good joke. It wasn't. Fuck it, here's some shit for your shitty, shitty lives.
Nice to wake up to
This is for Lindsey, cause that girl loves herself some Jakey G. This too.
CHEMICALS IN THE DC RIVER TURN YOU INTO A MAN HATING GAY QUEER FEMINIST TRANNY!!!!!!!!!
This explains so much about my life. Except that I’m not from DC and have never even been in that river…oh well, back to the drawing board.
Has someone YOU know been ah-splish ah-splashing in the tranny water?
Little Countries’ news is so cute!
All right NZ, that’s really great and all, and I am considering your great land as a place to study abroad, but seriously. We’re a real country over here…maybe you’ve heard of us? A little place called USA USA USA #1? Sound familiar? Anyway, we have REAL news. You could learn thing or two from us—like about NASCAR.
Wild lady running around eating rice
Ok, so I’ve let you in on some of my interests, such as The Girls Next Door and All Blacks, but here’s a third—people raised in the forest, specifically wolf children. Now this story isn’t as good, because this lady was not raised by wolves, but it is pretty awesome. But then I got to thinking…this might just be totally fucked up, and I mean more than it already is. I’m going to put on my detective's cap and figure this one out. They said the woman they found was half-human and half animal, skin and bones, walking all fucked up, stealing bits of rice, and couldn’t speak any intelligible language. Clearly this is either Kate Bosworth or Paula Abdul. Which one, I’m not sure—this is as far as my detective’s cap takes me (It’s a pretty small hat.).
Paris’s Wonky eye
We’ve all seen Courtney’s ID picture, and she turned out fine. First of all, I think Paris has got a lot bigger problems than a fucked up eye, specifically her hair, her entire wardrobe, her personality, and her existence in the universe. Second of all…well I guess that’s about it.
What happens when you type "gay soccer" into Youtube
Or: Further proof Josh Stephens is a raging homo
I live next door to four members of the boldest and the bravest, Wesleyan’s soccer team. Obviously I love the soccer team, because they’re really good and (almost) all of them are incredibly cute. But I always suspected there was something a little gay about Wesleyan’s finest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—except that it keeps them from hooking up with me (and that is the ONLY explanation I can come up with). Anyway, I’ve been having these suspicions for a while--it might have been after some late night conversations with Josh Stephens, or maybe after watching Chris Brown and Morgan Owen “wrestle.” On that note, here’s something really special.
PS Josh gave me permission to post this deep dark secret.
PPS Actually he's not gay, he told me so, and ladies, he's single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PPS I'm going to stop now before he physically abuses me when I get back to school. LOVE YOU JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS JUST CRAWLED INTO MY BRAIN AND BLEW MY FUCKING MIND
Nice to wake up to
This is for Lindsey, cause that girl loves herself some Jakey G. This too.
CHEMICALS IN THE DC RIVER TURN YOU INTO A MAN HATING GAY QUEER FEMINIST TRANNY!!!!!!!!!
This explains so much about my life. Except that I’m not from DC and have never even been in that river…oh well, back to the drawing board.
Has someone YOU know been ah-splish ah-splashing in the tranny water?
Little Countries’ news is so cute!
All right NZ, that’s really great and all, and I am considering your great land as a place to study abroad, but seriously. We’re a real country over here…maybe you’ve heard of us? A little place called USA USA USA #1? Sound familiar? Anyway, we have REAL news. You could learn thing or two from us—like about NASCAR.
Wild lady running around eating rice
Ok, so I’ve let you in on some of my interests, such as The Girls Next Door and All Blacks, but here’s a third—people raised in the forest, specifically wolf children. Now this story isn’t as good, because this lady was not raised by wolves, but it is pretty awesome. But then I got to thinking…this might just be totally fucked up, and I mean more than it already is. I’m going to put on my detective's cap and figure this one out. They said the woman they found was half-human and half animal, skin and bones, walking all fucked up, stealing bits of rice, and couldn’t speak any intelligible language. Clearly this is either Kate Bosworth or Paula Abdul. Which one, I’m not sure—this is as far as my detective’s cap takes me (It’s a pretty small hat.).
Paris’s Wonky eye
We’ve all seen Courtney’s ID picture, and she turned out fine. First of all, I think Paris has got a lot bigger problems than a fucked up eye, specifically her hair, her entire wardrobe, her personality, and her existence in the universe. Second of all…well I guess that’s about it.
What happens when you type "gay soccer" into Youtube
Or: Further proof Josh Stephens is a raging homo
I live next door to four members of the boldest and the bravest, Wesleyan’s soccer team. Obviously I love the soccer team, because they’re really good and (almost) all of them are incredibly cute. But I always suspected there was something a little gay about Wesleyan’s finest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—except that it keeps them from hooking up with me (and that is the ONLY explanation I can come up with). Anyway, I’ve been having these suspicions for a while--it might have been after some late night conversations with Josh Stephens, or maybe after watching Chris Brown and Morgan Owen “wrestle.” On that note, here’s something really special.
PS Josh gave me permission to post this deep dark secret.
PPS Actually he's not gay, he told me so, and ladies, he's single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PPS I'm going to stop now before he physically abuses me when I get back to school. LOVE YOU JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS JUST CRAWLED INTO MY BRAIN AND BLEW MY FUCKING MIND
Friday, January 19, 2007
WHO ARE YOU?!?!
Today has been a very sad day. While you were flipping out over whether Stephen Colbert is French or Irish, this blog piece of shit went completely out of its gord and deleted like everything I ever wrote. Also, Montell Williams doesn't want Notebook Girls on the show, apparently because they found some "real" celebrities or whatever. Anyway, here's some stuff for you (me).
A few of my favorite things: dead guys and popcorn
Orville Redenbacher brought back from the dead to be in an ad by the use of a stand-in and special effects. If only they could use something similar to revive celebrities’ careers. Who would you like to see make a comeback? My pick is making the band two’s Chompers.
In other tales from the crypt…
James Brown still isn’t buried, and he’s being kept in some freaky temperature controlled room. Between this and Orvie Redz, zombie queens must be over the moon.
Some of my favorite things:
toast, eating toast, vaguely phallic objects that make toast.
Gov guide to destroying these old costumes
If only we could use these tips on our boyfriends' clothes, am I right girls, am I right?
I am so alone right now.
A few of my favorite things: dead guys and popcorn
Orville Redenbacher brought back from the dead to be in an ad by the use of a stand-in and special effects. If only they could use something similar to revive celebrities’ careers. Who would you like to see make a comeback? My pick is making the band two’s Chompers.
In other tales from the crypt…
James Brown still isn’t buried, and he’s being kept in some freaky temperature controlled room. Between this and Orvie Redz, zombie queens must be over the moon.
Some of my favorite things:
toast, eating toast, vaguely phallic objects that make toast.
Gov guide to destroying these old costumes
If only we could use these tips on our boyfriends' clothes, am I right girls, am I right?
I am so alone right now.
Daily Dose of Sick Nasty
I believe John Winthrop put it best when he wrote, “as wee embark on this journey, I know in my heart that there doth exist nothing that posesseth more beauty and grace than the mothafuckin All Blacks set to some sweet ACDC.” And he was right.
My boobs are a disability
While Jessica Simpson was complaining about her fabulous rack, and the female population of the universe was letting out a collective "boo freakedy hoo" and playing the world's tiniest violin, I was...not doing much of anything, really. Here is the product of that.
Kid gets tasered in hat-related scuffle
“It means more than just a hat,” he said. “It’s like my crown. It’s like asking a king to remove his crown.”
A man gets tasered for not taking off his hat, and HE’S the one facing jail time? Whaaaaa!?!?
Civil liberties aside, let’s discuss this for one second. Your baseball hat…and a crown. See, this is the problem with so many 20 year old boys (I know I said "man" before, but let's be real), among many things (ZING!). It’s a fucking baseball hat, possibly the most unsophisticated thing you could wear, aside from a T-shirt you got after sending in enough Camel Cash. Let us not confuse it with a crown, that would imply both power and a lot of jewels.
My Job Cares!!
This is where I work, and they were so nice to link to my blog. Check out their stuff, which has better writing, graphics, and news than this piece of crap. On second thought, don’t go there. Stay here. Please.
Mary Kate Olsen wears this Scottish toga thing
MK, Dollface, I’m going to skip over your hair and get down to what really needs to be talked about. I get it, I really do. You hooked up with some cute guy last night, and you want the whole world/campus to know about it, maybe even including that complete dick who you want nothing more than to see you looking fabulous and obviously and totally over him. But wrapping his sheets around your body for the walk of shame in that “oh this old thing? Tee hee hee! I had nothing to wear so I had to put on his bed-clothes” is neither good-looking nor tasteful. Plus, note that I said bed clothes. Not people clothes.
Posh looking for schools for her kids in LA
So PoshNBecks are relocating to America and I couldn’t be happier. Everything about them is unapologetically trashy. I love that you’d think he’d have this really deep, manly voice, but he actually speaks like a child chimney sweep. And Posh doesn’t give a fuck, she just walks around like a fake-boobied zombie, all “yeah, but you know you actually do want to look like me, plus check out these diamonds.” Which is true.
Kid gets tasered in hat-related scuffle
“It means more than just a hat,” he said. “It’s like my crown. It’s like asking a king to remove his crown.”
A man gets tasered for not taking off his hat, and HE’S the one facing jail time? Whaaaaa!?!?
Civil liberties aside, let’s discuss this for one second. Your baseball hat…and a crown. See, this is the problem with so many 20 year old boys (I know I said "man" before, but let's be real), among many things (ZING!). It’s a fucking baseball hat, possibly the most unsophisticated thing you could wear, aside from a T-shirt you got after sending in enough Camel Cash. Let us not confuse it with a crown, that would imply both power and a lot of jewels.
My Job Cares!!
This is where I work, and they were so nice to link to my blog. Check out their stuff, which has better writing, graphics, and news than this piece of crap. On second thought, don’t go there. Stay here. Please.
Mary Kate Olsen wears this Scottish toga thing
MK, Dollface, I’m going to skip over your hair and get down to what really needs to be talked about. I get it, I really do. You hooked up with some cute guy last night, and you want the whole world/campus to know about it, maybe even including that complete dick who you want nothing more than to see you looking fabulous and obviously and totally over him. But wrapping his sheets around your body for the walk of shame in that “oh this old thing? Tee hee hee! I had nothing to wear so I had to put on his bed-clothes” is neither good-looking nor tasteful. Plus, note that I said bed clothes. Not people clothes.
Posh looking for schools for her kids in LA
So PoshNBecks are relocating to America and I couldn’t be happier. Everything about them is unapologetically trashy. I love that you’d think he’d have this really deep, manly voice, but he actually speaks like a child chimney sweep. And Posh doesn’t give a fuck, she just walks around like a fake-boobied zombie, all “yeah, but you know you actually do want to look like me, plus check out these diamonds.” Which is true.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Somewhere midway between Gossip Girls and War and Peace...
Is The Notebook Girls, as a noted literary scholar (read: me) once pointed out. Lindsey and I are about to go speak at the 92nd street Y (aka NBG at the 92Y for the kids), so I wanted to give you all (read: me) something to play with real quick before I leave.
Guy makes meatballs out of his liposuctioned fat.
First of all, gross.
Second of all, gross, def, vomz, maybe, but think about this—this could be like the boca-burgers of the future, because they wouldn't be meat of dead cowzie-wowzies. These would actually be real meat and maybe not taste like week old laundry.
But mainly, EATING the fat he just paid thousands of dollars to havesucked out of his ass by a tube? Are you fucking KIDDING?!
The Most Hilarious Shit of All Time.
50 million records?
Every dancing award ever?
The bitch is wasted and I love it!
Note: So a few entries ago, I might have mentioned my behavior at the CEO’s and Secretary Ho's party (read: every party at Wesleyan. I don’t know why, but something about the magical combination of everclear and “wanna see what a senior dorm room looks like?” always gets me into zany adventures!). If you watch this video of Paula Abdul wickidy-wasted on tv, you have some sort of idea of what that magical night was like.
TR Knight on Ellen
So Isiah Washington keeps trying to deny that he called TR Knight the F-Bomb, but in doing so, he just says it again! At the Golden Globes, aka the Goldie-G's, he was all "I did not call him a FAGGOT." Seriously. That is not a good way to defend yourself. As a lawyer, I would know.
Britney Spears went out for burgers with her friends and they took pictures of eachother.
So? My friends and I do this shit all the time, it's called Summerfields Late Night. Why is this news?
Guy makes meatballs out of his liposuctioned fat.
First of all, gross.
Second of all, gross, def, vomz, maybe, but think about this—this could be like the boca-burgers of the future, because they wouldn't be meat of dead cowzie-wowzies. These would actually be real meat and maybe not taste like week old laundry.
But mainly, EATING the fat he just paid thousands of dollars to havesucked out of his ass by a tube? Are you fucking KIDDING?!
The Most Hilarious Shit of All Time.
50 million records?
Every dancing award ever?
The bitch is wasted and I love it!
Note: So a few entries ago, I might have mentioned my behavior at the CEO’s and Secretary Ho's party (read: every party at Wesleyan. I don’t know why, but something about the magical combination of everclear and “wanna see what a senior dorm room looks like?” always gets me into zany adventures!). If you watch this video of Paula Abdul wickidy-wasted on tv, you have some sort of idea of what that magical night was like.
TR Knight on Ellen
So Isiah Washington keeps trying to deny that he called TR Knight the F-Bomb, but in doing so, he just says it again! At the Golden Globes, aka the Goldie-G's, he was all "I did not call him a FAGGOT." Seriously. That is not a good way to defend yourself. As a lawyer, I would know.
Britney Spears went out for burgers with her friends and they took pictures of eachother.
So? My friends and I do this shit all the time, it's called Summerfields Late Night. Why is this news?
Daily Dose of Sick Nasty
In the words of James, "when i saw this video, I wanted to go outside and beat the shit out of someone." In a good way though. You know?
Juggling’s just my entertainment, it’s not my LIFE.
While you all were watching American Idol and laughing at Paula Abdul’s interviews (my favorite Best Week Ever commentator joke so far—Nick Kroll doing his impression of Paula, all “I won ever single award ever!! Ughgj…I even won the puking in my mouth while dancing award…ughhh just won it again…” Maybe you had to be there.), I was finding some shit to put on this shit. Sick nasty, girls next door, omgzz, bla bla bla.
Holly’s (and my!!!!) dream come true!!!
Alright, as you may or may not know, I LOVE the show The Girls Next Door, like almost as much as I love Popeye’s and Pale Fire (hint hint boys—date night). If you don’t know the girls well, Kendra’s the sporty hip-hop loving one, Holly’s sort of the big sister/mom of the group, and Bridget is mildly re-re-ricardo and can’t shut up about her cat and the intricate ins and outs of its complex personality (Gizmo was really upset that I was away in Vegas for so long, but once I came home I made sure to cuddle her…). On the show, Holly talks a lot about hoping to settle down with Hef soon (blab la bla Hef is Old joke) WITHOUT him having other girls around (if you watch closely, you can see her face twitch with anger when she says stuff like this, but she represses it by smiling brightly, pushing her cleavage together, and petting a cockatoo). Well her dream might be coming true, and I am so happy.
"She certainly has my heart, so maybe she'll have my sperm too!" She’s going to get BOTH?!!?! Some girls get all the luck. I can only imagine a Christmas that glorious. Hint hint youtube posters, I smell a sperm in a box video...
Note: In the above dream, my dream is to watch holly and hef’s child grow old on national television, not to be the person who has the child with hef. That’s one of the ways Holly and I differ. Also, she’s in a polygamous relationship with an 80 year old man.
Holly’s (and my!!!!) dream come true!!!
Alright, as you may or may not know, I LOVE the show The Girls Next Door, like almost as much as I love Popeye’s and Pale Fire (hint hint boys—date night). If you don’t know the girls well, Kendra’s the sporty hip-hop loving one, Holly’s sort of the big sister/mom of the group, and Bridget is mildly re-re-ricardo and can’t shut up about her cat and the intricate ins and outs of its complex personality (Gizmo was really upset that I was away in Vegas for so long, but once I came home I made sure to cuddle her…). On the show, Holly talks a lot about hoping to settle down with Hef soon (blab la bla Hef is Old joke) WITHOUT him having other girls around (if you watch closely, you can see her face twitch with anger when she says stuff like this, but she represses it by smiling brightly, pushing her cleavage together, and petting a cockatoo). Well her dream might be coming true, and I am so happy.
"She certainly has my heart, so maybe she'll have my sperm too!" She’s going to get BOTH?!!?! Some girls get all the luck. I can only imagine a Christmas that glorious. Hint hint youtube posters, I smell a sperm in a box video...
Note: In the above dream, my dream is to watch holly and hef’s child grow old on national television, not to be the person who has the child with hef. That’s one of the ways Holly and I differ. Also, she’s in a polygamous relationship with an 80 year old man.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Daily Dose of Sick Nasty
All Blacks
Not only does their wing show complete and utter domination, but their kicker makes it in. Bonus for the ladies/gays--the kicker is really cute (cayute).
Not only does their wing show complete and utter domination, but their kicker makes it in. Bonus for the ladies/gays--the kicker is really cute (cayute).
She Ran into my Cell Phone. She Ran into My Cell Phone Nine Times.
While Naomi Campbell was getting all cellblock/catwalk tango on us, I was finding supersweet stuff to show you all. Supersweet being a technical term for that which is awesome/incredibly real.
Scientist makes formula to explain procrastination.
I can’t believe my ex boyfriend gets a mathematical formula to explain why he writes his papers the night before they're due, but I don't get one to explain my behavior at Beta's CEO's and Secretary Ho's party (which, by the way, totally went along with the theme anyway so I don't see what everyone's problem is, especially since that guy...fuck it. Just fuck it.)
Is there anything rabbits can’t do?
They can fuck like themselves, and they can end world hunger. Insert Miss America joke here.
Travis and Shana back together.
I’m sorry. I really try, you know? I’m a hardworking intern just trying to make a good impression. I schedule people’s meetings, and I even went out in the cold to buy you guys fucking guitar hero 2 from Toys R Us. But right now, I cannot possibly give a shit about this. I’m sorry vh1, I really am. But apparently this is important news, so for those of you that do care, or just want to look at Shana’s picture to figure out how she does that smokey eye makeup thing that is so frustratingly impossible, here's the link.
Who said this about what, after an angry dispute?
“I would never ever react in that way. You guys know me, I’m a very classy person.”
OJ on not killing his wife?
Lindsay Lohan on decking Paris in the face?
My parents (bonus points if you can guess which one!) in family court circa 199--I've said too much. Just guess something.
Scientist makes formula to explain procrastination.
I can’t believe my ex boyfriend gets a mathematical formula to explain why he writes his papers the night before they're due, but I don't get one to explain my behavior at Beta's CEO's and Secretary Ho's party (which, by the way, totally went along with the theme anyway so I don't see what everyone's problem is, especially since that guy...fuck it. Just fuck it.)
Is there anything rabbits can’t do?
They can fuck like themselves, and they can end world hunger. Insert Miss America joke here.
Travis and Shana back together.
I’m sorry. I really try, you know? I’m a hardworking intern just trying to make a good impression. I schedule people’s meetings, and I even went out in the cold to buy you guys fucking guitar hero 2 from Toys R Us. But right now, I cannot possibly give a shit about this. I’m sorry vh1, I really am. But apparently this is important news, so for those of you that do care, or just want to look at Shana’s picture to figure out how she does that smokey eye makeup thing that is so frustratingly impossible, here's the link.
Who said this about what, after an angry dispute?
“I would never ever react in that way. You guys know me, I’m a very classy person.”
OJ on not killing his wife?
Lindsay Lohan on decking Paris in the face?
My parents (bonus points if you can guess which one!) in family court circa 199--I've said too much. Just guess something.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Putting your boyfriends to shame, one Viagra fueled boner at a time.
Or, How Kendra Met Hef.
Sorry, I love you Kendra and The Girls Next Door is like my favorite show. Every time I turn on the tv, I switch to E! and cross my fingers whispering “girls next door girls next door,” and because it’s usually a toss-up between that and some shit featuring tacky E! reporters groveling at the feet of celebrities, I’m not usually disappointed.
“I first met Hef while I was being body-painted for his 78th birthday party. Before our first date, Hef asked me to move in and live as one of his girlfriends.”
Everything about this is a hilarious hilarious joke. Body painted? 78th? BEFORE the first date? I can’t really complain though. I met my last boyfriend at a rugby party, where I watched guys funnel beer and sing “there’s a lady in red and she likes to give me head/ there’s a lady in blue and she likes it in the poo.”
Sorry, I love you Kendra and The Girls Next Door is like my favorite show. Every time I turn on the tv, I switch to E! and cross my fingers whispering “girls next door girls next door,” and because it’s usually a toss-up between that and some shit featuring tacky E! reporters groveling at the feet of celebrities, I’m not usually disappointed.
“I first met Hef while I was being body-painted for his 78th birthday party. Before our first date, Hef asked me to move in and live as one of his girlfriends.”
Everything about this is a hilarious hilarious joke. Body painted? 78th? BEFORE the first date? I can’t really complain though. I met my last boyfriend at a rugby party, where I watched guys funnel beer and sing “there’s a lady in red and she likes to give me head/ there’s a lady in blue and she likes it in the poo.”
Finally, a place for the jokes my job won't take
Fuck you VH1. Seriously, just fuck you.
JKz!!!!!! Love yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
OH MY GOD THE MOTHAFUCKIN HAKA
Alright, this is the greatest team in the entire world, the All Blacks, being completely fucking sick nasty as usual. Watch as the other team doesn’t know whether to cry with fear or laugh at the gayest thing they’ve ever seen (considering this is a sport where you play in little shorts and stick your head in an ass, that is really gay).
Mary Kate Reduced to an Extra
So Mary Kate Olsen was going to be in a movie, with a real part and everything, but then they cut out all her scenes and now she's just in the corner of one scene.
And yet, somehow, life goes on.
A few of my favorite things
Whiskers on kittens and tripping on acid
JKz!!!!!! Love yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
OH MY GOD THE MOTHAFUCKIN HAKA
Alright, this is the greatest team in the entire world, the All Blacks, being completely fucking sick nasty as usual. Watch as the other team doesn’t know whether to cry with fear or laugh at the gayest thing they’ve ever seen (considering this is a sport where you play in little shorts and stick your head in an ass, that is really gay).
Mary Kate Reduced to an Extra
So Mary Kate Olsen was going to be in a movie, with a real part and everything, but then they cut out all her scenes and now she's just in the corner of one scene.
And yet, somehow, life goes on.
A few of my favorite things
Whiskers on kittens and tripping on acid
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